Dylan Forsberg

transmissionzine: Hanne Gaby ‘Lost (Croc)’ Outtake by Dylan...

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 10:12:48 -0400

transmissionzine:

Hanne Gaby ‘Lost (Croc)’ Outtake by Dylan Forsberg for the upcoming Transparency issue of Transmission.

http://www.dylanforsberg.com/

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 20:44:03 -0400

http://www.dylanforsberg.com/

transmissionzine: Outtake of Alana Zimmer by Dylan Forsberg for...

Wed, 12 Jun 2013 11:46:12 -0400

transmissionzine:

Outtake of Alana Zimmer by Dylan Forsberg for the upcoming Transparency issue of Transmission.

lonehands: untitled for sjena

Sun, 09 Jun 2013 22:40:40 -0400

lonehands:

untitled

for sjena

Hesitation

Wed, 05 Jun 2013 14:26:00 -0400

We sat on a bench together, overlooking the water.

She spoke to me as if disgusted by me; as if disgusted by having to talk to me… but stayed as if she had nowhere to go.

She at least liked to give that impression.

A scowl flickered on her face every time she was ‘forced’ to respond to me. Her left cheek rose and her brow lowered, coming together to tighten her face.

She was sitting to my right.

We weren’t looking directly at each other but spoke over our shoulders.

Her left cheek rose toward my side while I could tell her right laid flat. As if her right side saw that there was nowhere to go and kept her there, leaving her left to hesitate and doubt.

When there was a long pause of silence I felt her curious glance, less angry, assuming I couldn’t see her out from the corner of my eye. She was much more childlike now, with wider eyes, studying me.

As soon as I’d make a slight move she’d abruptly turn away to prepare her scowl.

She’d look to the ground, pretend she wanted to leave. Yet when I’d give her an escape… when I’d get up to go or make a closing remark, she’d always spark conversation again… then again act angry as if it were I who had forced her to stay… and I who had chosen the topic of conversation which now bored her terribly.

I knew immediately that things weren’t as they seemed. I smiled and shook my head. I too wrinkled my brow but kept my smile, more puzzled, like a dog cocking his head to the side.

I enjoyed that she was different. I enjoyed the challenge. I wasn’t bored at all.

I sat in silence, feeling her glance. I used the best of my ability to come up with a question that couldn’t be answered by a single word.

Somehow, she always defeated me.

I let my right hand fall down to my side, purposely brushing hers yet as if only by chance. She quickly pulled hers away.

She gently placed it back down… not on mine, but close. A knee-jerk reaction had taken it away but after consideration, knowing she had looked offended by something that was only a mistake, she placed it back down calmly as if nothing had happened.

I could tell she wished she had left it there. I could tell she craved for her hand to touch mine, yet I knew that if I touched her again I’d only achieve the same reaction… only this time I wouldn’t be able to claim innocence.

We sat in silence.

She couldn’t figure out my smile.

I could already read her so well.

ericjshaw: 16x12 Gouache on paper

Tue, 04 Jun 2013 14:13:25 -0400

ericjshaw:

16x12
Gouache on paper

Laragh McCann (outtake) http://www.dylanforsberg.com/

Mon, 03 Jun 2013 10:36:26 -0400

Laragh McCann (outtake)

http://www.dylanforsberg.com/

theniftyfifties: Les Paul & Mary Ford — I’m a Fool to Care

Mon, 03 Jun 2013 10:31:12 -0400

theniftyfifties:

Les Paul & Mary Ford — I’m a Fool to Care

Kasia (from this set) http://www.dylanforsberg.com/

Sun, 26 May 2013 22:10:21 -0400

Kasia (from this set)

http://www.dylanforsberg.com/

Modest Mouse - Lives

Sat, 25 May 2013 14:40:00 -0400

Modest Mouse - Lives

Love & Loss Pt. 1 - Early Draft

Sat, 25 May 2013 14:38:00 -0400

Hey everyone, I finally have some new writing to share with you. I decided to write something really personal this time, so I hope you’ll enjoy it. It’s only the first part… I’ll have the rest ready soon. If you reblog the post, I’ll take it as a sign of interest in the second part, and will personally message you to inform you when it’s ready… plus I’ll really appreciate it as I’ve spent a lot of time on this (don’t worry, it won’t appear as long in your feed). It still needs a lot of work but I’ve been itching to share something new with you.

Thanks to Wilder Fleming for helping me edit.

———————————————————————————————————

Before her I had no idea what it was that I wanted. Secretly worried about the approval of those around me, I chased the girls who everyone else followed. Never knowing why I walked toward a dead end that didn’t interest me, I remained blind to all else around me.

Suddenly it was as if a light had turned on.

I began to notice a pretty girl at school who seemed to be wearing different hair and clothes every time I saw her, sometimes only hours apart. I asked my friends if they knew anything about her and found out that it wasn’t just one girl, but two identical twin sisters.

“Why didn’t anyone tell me there were twins at our school?”

I was intrigued, it was something new; something I had never seen before in our boring town. (I was used to everyone looking the same… but by choice, not by birth.) My friend Tucker had gone to junior high with them, so I asked him to introduce me.

The first I met was Allie, an earthy band geek with long, reddish-brown hair. Tucker brought me over to her, I awkwardly said, “Hello,” followed by a quick, “Nice to meet you,” as I rushed away with Tucker, who had just then remembered to mention that she already had a serious boyfriend.

Next I met Lin, and after having already met Allie, I had a back-story and was able to approach her on my own. She was the shorter-haired of the two. I found out she had a class on the third floor and that’s where I met her.

“Hey… you have a twin, right?

” …Yeah.”

“We just met the other day… I wanted to see if you two really were identical.”

“Yep. We are… “

I asked her about the book she was reading and if she liked it. It was a textbook; she looked confused… I pretended it was a joke. I’ve never known how to start a conversation but I’ve always been good at saving myself from an awkward one.

I walked with her to class after that, pretending to share the same route. Always late for class myself, I walked that same route with her every day just to be beside her.

She was cute, shy, nervous, awkward, dorky. She had reddish-brown hair which fell just below her shoulders and puffy, tired eyes. Her nose was long, slim, lacking a dip, and held most of her freckles (it was probably what gave her her funny stuffy laugh). She smelled like ginger and seemed to have a glow.

She always seemed to be a little sad too, which I think is what really drew me to her.

I’d look for her outside during lunch or after school to show her music that I thought she’d enjoy: The Unicorns, Modest Mouse, The Moldy Peaches. And she actually liked it… a dream come true. Finally someone who shared my tastes, someone who didn’t look at me strange when I spoke… someone who didn’t tell me that my music was too negative after I played Creep by Radiohead for them with eyes pleading that they too feel the chills running down my spine.

She eventually found out I had no class on the third floor, but by then we had already become friends. I just blushed, acting embarrassed at my exposure.

We began to hang out more and more. I had immediately fallen in love with her and I’m pretty sure she knew. I’d joke and hint that I had feelings for her, but she’d always brush it off. “I wouldn’t want to ruin our friendship… ” And not wanting to scare her off, I’d hide my feelings… though I never could for long.

After two months I made stronger advances. I asked her why she wouldn’t date me.

I just “wasn’t the boyfriend type.” She had heard about me fooling around with different girls and didn’t want to become just another one of them.

I was shocked. I hadn’t really been with many girls… at least successfully. I tried to tell her, “You have it all wrong.” But she knew about one of my few sexual experiences. It had happened with a friend of hers.

One of her friends had taken a liking to me a few months previous. I’d been meeting with her to talk about Lin. She knew I didn’t have any feelings for her, but she didn’t mind. She was eager and I was horny, she was rich and I was hungry. She’d feed me sandwiches and sometimes flash me her breasts… I took what I could get. She blew me once in her families snack closet and I never came. That was the extent of my sexual experience.

As time went on, I craved Lin more and more. She had gotten used to the benefits of having a boyfriend without actually having one, but for me friendship wasn’t enough. I started to play games with her emotions to move things along.

I’d give her everything, be around her all the time, then refuse to see her. I’d tell her that I couldn’t do it any more; tell her that it was too hard for me to just be friends. We’d become close by then and I was the only person she hung out with. I knew she’d miss me as she spent her time alone.

We went on like this for a while. I’d be around her all the time, give her everything, then turn off; interest then disinterest. She’d miss what she’d lost and wonder what was wrong with her that made it go away. She’d blame herself, then she’d crave for me to set it right.

I’m not sure how much of this was done consciously on my part. I must have only realized what I was doing as I was doing it. I just knew that I needed her… and my subconscious must have done the rest. (I’ve recently wondered if by taking the deceptive easy road, I destroy the future myself.)

Finally I gave her an ultimatum; I really was fed up by then, I wasn’t just playing games. I was so in love with her that it drove me crazy to not be able to have her. I told her that I couldn’t see her any more and I meant it. I was being honest (this time).

She left my house crying and walked toward the main road. I followed close behind her. At the end of the road she stopped; she realized she had nowhere to go. I asked her to follow me to a cemetery across the street. She had calmed down but kept the tears in her eyes and her red cheeks were still swollen. We laid in the dew-covered grass and looked up at the stars.

I tried to explain how hard it was for me to be so close to her without being able to have her. She said she understood, but was dealing with problems of her own and didn’t know what she was feeling. She didn’t want to lose me though, and I didn’t want to lose her… so we decided to stay ‘just friends’ for the time being.

As we walked away I looked back at the imprint our two bodies had left so close together in the wet grass.

Soon after, we went to the beach together. We skipped on rocks to stay out of the water. I found one close to hers buried deeper in the sand and stood on it, bringing us eye to eye. The rocks were close and we were close, our eyes locked and my breathing stopped. I felt her lips press against mine.

I fell off the rock confused and shocked; unable to think, unable to talk. I looked at her, speechless, trying to ask if what I felt was real, but nothing came out. She smiled and nodded to assure me.

I was a nervous, smiling, blank-minded fool; shocked and stunned, excited and happy. (And happy and happy and happy.)

We went back to my car to listen to music, reclining our seats flat. Laying on our sides, we looked into each other’s eyes. I leaned in to kissed her on the forehead, then again just next to where I had before. She was smiling, not stopping me. “I’ll kiss your entire face.”

Continuing from her forehead and working my way down, I lingered in the area around her lips. I still didn’t dare to kiss her there. As I leaned in to kiss her cheek once more, she moved to catch my lips with her own. I was struck dumb all over again… but unable to resist, I leaned in for more.

Finally, she was beginning to love me as I loved her.

I never could have imagined how frightening that would be.

I had finally gotten what I wanted, but having Lin was almost harder than wanting her. Immediately my emotions shut down. My instincts told me to run away; I lost all feeling toward her. I had to tell myself, ‘Dylan, you’ve loved this girl for months… and now that you finally have her, you’ve turned off. It must be temporary, stay on.’ And my feelings did come back, I was only scared. (I didn’t know that at the time though… I could have missed so much.) That was only the beginning.

When we were together I was perfect; I was present. I had no doubt within me and nothing on my mind other than her, her stare, and her warm body pressed against mine.

Without her, I was something else entirely; my anxiety killed me. What if she stopped caring for me? I couldn’t bare to lose her now that I finally had her, finally felt love. Every second away from her was a second I had been forgotten; a second alone.

If I didn’t hear from her for a day I’d assume she’d fallen out of love with me. I was always paranoid, over-thinking everything, but the worry made me physically sick to my stomach.

It was the first time I had allowed myself to open up to another person since the death of my father. I’d spent ten years holed up in my basement bedroom, brooding over death, learning that nothing can be relied on. I learned about pain and loss and forgot love and life. And I learned to turn off. Already dealing with becoming an adult, I wasn’t prepared for all this new stimuli.

I especially couldn’t imagine being left by someone I loved again. I had lowered my shield and any blow dealt could send me back into the dark, never able to trust anyone again.

One day, on my way to work at McCauley’s Auto Body, I got into my car and was overcome with such an overwhelming, tight and twisting anxious pain in my stomach that I decided not to go to work ever again. I didn’t even call out; I just never spoke to them again. I wanted to spend all my time with Lin anyway.

But my family was poor… and now I was broke too. How was I supposed to pay for gas for the 15 minute ride to see her, or take her to the movies, or buy her gifts on her birthday?

I had been seeing therapists for the past few years and none of them knew shit about anything. They were completely out of touch with the youth that they prescribed so much medication to, and especially couldn’t figure me out. I was able to get any drugs I wanted.

I had previously refused to take Adderall when they suggested it, but once I found out it was the same as speed and that kids would pay for it, I told my therapist that I was up for trying it. I hardly ever took any except recreationally. I had found my new source of income.

Now that I didn’t have to work, I spent every second of every day with Lin. I never saw my friends; I was obsessed.

One day I asked her to help me find my father’s grave. Bringing up my dad still upset my mom ten years after his death, so I hadn’t been since just after his funeral.

It’s strange how I did somehow find it. In the graveyard an odd shaped tree triggered a vague memory, leading me in a sort of trance down a narrow dirt path beside it. Reluctantly hopeful yet ready to accept defeat, I had prepared to brush it off. ‘I never expected to find it anyway.’

Lin had been holding my hand quietly while I scanned the engraved names to my right, searching for my own. There it was. It was cleaner than I had expected… and lacking some desired effect. It wasn’t sad, only empty. There were no flowers.

We sat down and I looked from the grave to Lin, as if to ask what I should do. She sat silent. As I reached out to touch it, one of the few memories I had of him came to me. My mom and dad used to write on my back with a finger each night before I went to sleep, so I decided to do the same on his grave.

“X marks the spot with a circle and a dot… dash, dash, question mark. Upsies, downsies, all-aroudsies and a… pinch.”

I felt silly as I did it… and to this day I still don’t know what it meant.

I whispered a prayer out of habit and we both got up to leave.

I shared everything with Lin, but she had a hard time doing the same. All that I learned about her I learned slowly over time.

She had grown up wealthy in New York City, but when the Twin Towers fell, her family lost most of their invested money. To maintain their lifestyle, and to get out of the city, they moved to ocean neighboring Rye along the small coast of New Hampshire. Her parents fought more now, she lost her friends in the move, and she and her twin sister had begun to drift apart.

She was very insecure and had just always been depressed. She hated her beautiful body and felt awkward around other girls. She cut herself, too. Her wrists were covered with scars that I’d hoped to erase.

I used to downplay everyone else’s depression because their reasons for it didn’t seem to meet mine. I almost took pride in my justification for being sad. “What reason do you have to be upset? My father died when I was six, I’ve had my ass kicked most of my life. I’m poor, I’m hungry… I this, I that… At least you have food in your fridge.”

Lin was the first to show me that sadness can’t be weighed in tragedy, or eased by wealth. It’s inexplicable, it’s pure; it’s in your core. Maybe it started from a heartbroken look your mother gave you when you were still young… or maybe it was the inability to express yourself around other kids, making you introverted, feeling rejected.

The rejection made you angry… the inability to express your anger frustrated you, making you feel helpless. Helplessness made you weak; depressed. And once you found an emotion that you were able to express, once you found sadness and self-pity, you held onto it.

Like a strong laugh shared with a friend that you wish would continue, you bring up the same joke to lengthen the feeling. Once you’ve reached that point, that warmth… that expression, that connection… you feel cold as you leave it. It’s the same with sadness. Being in one state or the other, I’m fine. It’s leaving where I am that frightens me.

We gravitate toward what we’re used to; we gravitate toward comfort, stability. Loneliness is the only true fear and through that we fear change. Transition; going into the black of the unknown. Going somewhere you might not understand or be understood; somewhere alone.

I can’t say why Lin was depressed. She just was.

I was texting with her one night when she was especially down. She sounded like she might really kill herself, then stopped responding. I called and called to no response. I figured she must have finally gone through with it.

I got into my car and sped to her house, chain smoking clove cigarettes. It was midnight, but when I pulled into her driveway I saw that her bathroom light was still on. ‘She must have gone in there to do it…’ My heart sank.

I ran up the back stairs and through a spare bedroom.

“What are you doing here so late?” a cracked voice asked.

It was Lin’s father, sleeping alone.

“Just checking on Lin, sorry, I’ll be gone in a minute.”

I kept on to the bathroom, not stopping. She wasn’t there.

I found her sleeping in her bed. She woke as I came close.

“You smell like cigarettes.”

“I’m sorry, I smoked on my way here… I was worried about you; I came to make sure you’re all right.”

“I’m fine… Just tired.”

“Ok, I’ll leave then… I’m glad you’re all right.”

I leaned down to kiss her, left the room, and closed the door behind me. I walked back past her dad to let him know I was leaving.

“Sorry for waking you up.”

While chain smoking on my way to Lin, I thought back to a story my mom had once told me about her destructive relationship with my father. From a young age I’d thought of it as the epitome of romance.

Supposedly, though I realize it’s been dramatized, my father would disappear for a few days until my mom would receive a call telling her where he might be. She’d drive down the back roads of seedy Hampton Beach to finally find him passed out in an alley.

I’d always envisioned it so beautifully. Him lying in a ditch somewhere, weak, fucked up and alone, with my mom frantically searching for him in tears until the final moment when she found him, embraced him, and nursed him back to health.

That was true love I thought. Someone who loves you so much that they’re always there to save you, no matter how bad you get.

I had imagined myself so many times before as lying in a dark ditch, wishing for a glowing hand to reach down and pull me from it. I wanted to be that hand… as much as I wanted that hand to be there for me.

Because Lin was my first, she became something of an experiment. I had never before felt these emotions, so as with everything else in my life, I had to push them to their limits. I had to feel purely and deeply; have great happiness and sadness… and I had to know that she could too; I had to know that she really loved me.

To force her to prove herself to me, I’d start a fight over something trivial: some way she acted, something she forgot to say. I’d pick and prod, looking for a weak spot until she’d fight back, only frustrating me further. And so I’d push harder.

I’d choose my words cleverly to trip her up. I’d ask questions that couldn’t be answered… until finally, she’d cry. Only then would I ‘forgive’ her; only then would I know that she loved me. Seeing her tears, I’d feel better. Seeing her sadness, I felt happy. Not because she was sad, but because she was able to be sad for me.

And at that, I’d apologize. I’d wipe away her tears and kiss her salty lips. She loved me. And now I knew… for now.

But nothing is ever enough for me… and soon my depression regained control.

On the nights I didn’t see Lin I’d line up a row of sleeping pills the size of triple-stacked quarters on my computer desk. I’d take one every hour to see how close I could get to death before falling asleep. I took an extra pill every few nights until I was swallowing five or six before passing out.

I was constantly in a daze, acting without thought.

One snowy night I was driving Lin home when I decided to have some fun on her long, ice covered driveway. I spun the wheel to make the car lose traction, whipping us out of control. I didn’t see her black basketball hoop. The car smashed into it and the metal pole snapped in half, impaling the car.

It was the third car I had wrecked in a year and had only been in my possession for a few weeks. It had just been given to me as an early 18th birthday present, and I knew my mother must have opened a new credit card just to afford it. I was crushed.

My mom came to pick us up and drove us back home. I sat quiet in the back seat. When we arrived back home I asked to be left alone in bed. Lin went to hang out with my sister upstairs.

My depression sunk to a level I had never before felt. I was disappointed in myself for foolishly wrecking another car and now had no way to get to Lin. I imagined I’d hardly ever see her again… something I couldn’t bear.

My body felt weak, my breath short and my chest shallow. My thoughts were stale and slow. I stared vacantly at that cold, sad feeling without putting it into words. It paralyzed me, hypnotized me; I feared it would consume me eternally. I was nothing, weak; I couldn’t speak. I could hardly breathe.

I tried to tell myself it would soon go away, but the thought of it ever returning frightened me still. I couldn’t do it anymore, I couldn’t be me anymore. I just wanted it to end.

I had planned to die by 18 for as long as I could remember. The thought comforted me in a way… it gave me a plan. Without it, the future frightened me; I saw nowhere to go. It gave me an excuse for not paying attention in school; it helped me to turn off and ignore. Now I would finally go through with it.

I gathered the miscellaneous sleeping pills I had been given to test for my right dosage and swallowed them all. I counted between eighteen and twenty-four in total; three or four different prescriptions.

And I went to sleep; forever I thought… though some reason I didn’t care. I wasn’t being dramatic as I had been before. I wasn’t crying; I really wasn’t thinking at all. I had just turned off.

Maybe a few hours later, I woke with a severe pain in my stomach. ‘I thought this was supposed to be painless…’ But the feeling didn’t last. I soon passed out again.

The rest I remember in flashes. I guess either some part of me decided not to die and went for help, or I really had to piss and used the rest of my strength to get to the bathroom upstairs before collapsing.

I woke on the bathroom floor to my mom calling from the kitchen, “Honey, are you ok? What’s wrong?”

She thought she’d heard the door slam, but what she really heard was my head smashing into the toilet as I collapsed.

Upon her call, I pulled myself up and tried to form words, but my mouth was too sedated; I slurred like a heavy drunk. I left the bathroom and headed for the door to the stairs. The next thing I know, I’m on the floor of the hallway looking up at my sister, Lin, and my mom holding my empty pill bottles in her hand.

My mom tried to help me up but I wouldn’t let her; I’d only allow Lin to touch me. Lin brought me to a chair. Through my slur I was able to convince my mom that I was fine, but my sister was crying and agreed with Lin that I should go to the emergency room.

So I was brought to the emergency room.

-polaroid: (by henry_cotton)

Sat, 25 May 2013 14:37:28 -0400

-polaroid:

(by henry_cotton)

"We gravitate toward what we’re used to; we gravitate toward comfort, stability. Loneliness is the..."

Sat, 25 May 2013 13:45:00 -0400

“We gravitate toward what we’re used to; we gravitate toward comfort, stability. Loneliness is the only true fear and through that we fear change. Transition; going into the black of the unknown. Going somewhere you might not understand or be understood; somewhere alone.”

Leonard Cohen - Different Sides We find ourselves on different...

Thu, 23 May 2013 19:46:00 -0400

Leonard Cohen - Different Sides

We find ourselves on different sides
Of a line nobody drew
Though it all may be one in the higher eye
Down here where we live it is two

I to my side call the meek and the mild
You to your side call the Word
By virtue of suffering I claim to have won
You claim to have never been heard

Both of us say there are laws to obey
Yeah, but frankly I don’t like your tone
You want to change the way I make love
But I want to leave it alone

joachimjohnson: Am I The Devil? My buddy Joachim (who shot the...

Wed, 22 May 2013 15:44:00 -0400

joachimjohnson:

Am I The Devil?

My buddy Joachim (who shot the video posted below) has a Tumblr now. He’s a writer, photographer, etc. Check him out and show him some love.

Joseph & The Mercurials - I Want What I Want My friend...

Tue, 21 May 2013 21:35:00 -0400

Joseph & The Mercurials - I Want What I Want

My friend Joachim Johnson shot the video for this.

Mazzy Star - Fade Into You

Thu, 16 May 2013 21:35:31 -0400

Mazzy Star - Fade Into You

Photo

Thu, 16 May 2013 21:35:27 -0400

Daft Punk - Within (feat. Gonzales)

Tue, 14 May 2013 12:08:54 -0400

Daft Punk - Within (feat. Gonzales)

natgeofound: Girls watch artist painting picture of statue of...

Fri, 10 May 2013 00:04:45 -0400

natgeofound:

Girls watch artist painting picture of statue of Flemish artist in Bruges, Belgium, May 1955.
Photograph by Luis Marden, National Geographic